Why aren't more marriages successful? In the past few years there have been thousands of articles, books, films, videos, seminars, and workshops on marriage. Nonetheless, isolation is still having a field day while couples struggle to see intimacy and oneness grow. 

The problem is that believers who enter into marriage don't use all of the resources and tools God makes available to build oneness in their homes. To describe this error, I often turn to an illustration used by Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ.

He tells of a man who saved his money carefully and faithfully and finally was able to travel overseas, on a beautiful cruise ship. Because he was of modest means, it was all he could do to save just enough to buy his ticket.  He decided to take along some cheese and crackers because he knew he didn't have enough money to eat in the fine dining rooms of the ship.

For several days he sat in his cabin watching the stewards go by, pushing carts full of luscious lobster dripping with butter, and plates full of prime rib with all the fresh vegetables, fruits and delicious foods one could ask for. Finally he could stand it no longer. 

As the steward went by, the man stepped out of his room, grabbed the steward's arm and said, "Look, I'm hungry. I'll go to work as a steward. I'll do whatever I need to do, I'll scrub the deck, but I have to get some food. My cheese and crackers are getting stale and I've got to get something decent to eat."

The steward looked at him strangely and finally smiled and said, "But sir, don't you know? Your food comes with your ticket."

Many Christians live as this passenger on the cruise ship did. They are cheese-and-cracker believers. They eat hot dogs when they could be dining on steak and baked potato with sour cream, chives, and butter. Jesus clearly said that He came to give life more abundantly, and He meant it. If you and I are not experiencing that abundance, something is wrong, not with the Lord or His promises, but with us. Early in marriage, you and your spouse need to ask, “How are we going to grow spiritually?”

Since God created marriage, then marriage is not merely two people in a relationship, but three—a husband, a wife, and God. Failing to address this question can almost guarantee that your marriage will not achieve the intimacy and oneness that God designed.

Three key ingredients of a dynamic Christian life have significance when applied to the oneness you are trying to achieve as a married couple. We’ll state these in the form of questions:

1. Are you and your spouse a part of the family of God?
2. Are both of you allowing Christ to control your entire lives?
3. Are both of you allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and empower your lives?

Unless you answer yes to all three questions, you will lack the power to build your home with the oneness God intends.

Marriage first and foremost is a spiritual relationship. It works best when two people are connected individually to God, walking with Him, obeying Him in the Scripture, and praying as individuals and as a couple. If you push the spiritual dimension to the side, you are ignoring the very God who created marriage and the One who can help you make it work.

Part of God’s family

When I speak of your family, I mean you and your spouse. God’s ideal plan is that both partners in a marriage know Him personally, that they are first part of His family before they try to build a family of their own.

Today many people think they are in God’s family because they go to church, generally live a good life, or consider themselves religious. Other people are not sure where they would spend eternity if they died today.

Regardless of which camp you fall into, I encourage you to read through the information in our online section on “Knowing Christ Personally.” These truths will help you understand how to be sure you are included in God’s family.

If you are a believer and know you are God’s child, the rest of this article is designed to make sure that you are experiencing Him to the fullest, especially within marriage.

Giving Christ control

If Jesus Christ walked out of your life right now, would your life be any different next week?

If Jesus Christ has first place in everything with you, then next week would be devastatingly different. You would feel lost, confused, cut off from your Source of guidance, wisdom, and power. You would feel an incredible emptiness.

But if you realize that your actions, thoughts, and words would be no different with Jesus absent, you need to come to grips with the fact that Christ is not Lord of your life.

Jesus Christ is already Lord of the universe, but He waits patiently to have you make Him Lord of your life through personal commitment. That means trusting Him in a way you may have never trusted Him before.

On our first Christmas as newlyweds, Barbara and I were prompted by the Holy Spirit to do something different. Before we exchanged the few gifts that were under our sparsely decorated tree, we sat down separately and wrote “Title Deeds to Our Lives.” Coming honestly before God, each of us listed our treasured dreams, plans, and possessions that we wanted to “sign over” to God. Then we folded our sheets and sealed them in an envelope addressed “To God Our Father.” We put the letters in our safety deposit box with other important items.

Eighteen years later we retrieved that envelope and reviewed what we had deeded to the Lord. Among other things, Barbara had listed “to be settled and stable; children—at least one boy and one girl; and Dennis.” Dennis had mentioned “security; a healthy, big family—several boys; and Barbara.” We realized how over the years God had continuously weaned us from perishable, unimportant things and increasingly attached us to what really counts: people and His Word. We also noted, with thanksgiving, how much more God had given us than we had given up for Him.

Where do you stand in giving God total control over your life?

Filled with the Spirit

When I was a little boy, in our church we referred to the Holy Spirit as the Holy Ghost. For a long time I could only think of something that would float through walls like a puff of smoke. For years I referred to the Holy Ghost as an “it.” But the Holy Ghost whom Jesus talked about is a person. God sent Him to do even greater works on earth through us than those done by Christ. He was sent to glorify Christ as well as to be our Counselor, Advisor, Advocate, Defender, Director, and Guide. In short, if you are interested in living life as Jesus promised, and if you want a marriage where the two of you grow spiritually, then the Holy Spirit is vital.

Perhaps that’s why being “filled with the Spirit” is not a suggestion; it is a clear command given by Paul in his letter to the Ephesians: “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18). Why would Paul put being drunk with wine in opposition to being filled with the Spirit? Because he wanted to help his readers understand what being filled means. When you are drunk with wine, you are controlled by alcohol. The same is true in a positive sense when you are filled with the Spirit: You allow the Spirit to control you.

The results of being filled with the Spirit are holiness and joy. Paul described it as “speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father” (Ephesians 5:19–20).

We know the Holy Spirit works

What each of us needs in marriage is something to defeat our selfishness. On more than one occasion I can recall wanting to be angry at Barbara and yet at the same time knowing that my life is a temple of God, and that the Holy Spirit lives in me with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. The Spirit helps me control my temper, my impatience, and my desire to say things I would later regret.

I still fail, but I have found that as I inwardly yield my will to God, the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, etc.) grows within me, and these qualities move me inevitably toward a beautiful oneness with Barbara.

Why not stop and pray right now for God to fill you with the Holy Spirit?

1. Confess your sins. Tell God everything, repent, and receive forgiveness and cleansing.
2. Surrender your will to God. Allow Him to be your Master.
3. By faith, ask Him to fill you with the Holy Spirit.
4. Then continue to walk with God moment by moment by reading the Scriptures, confessing your wrong attitudes or actions, and continuing to surrender and yield to Him.

Your marriage will reflect the love of God as you allow Him to fill, control, and empower you.

Reprinted by permission. Adapted from Staying Close ©1989, 2003 and Starting Your Marriage Right © 2000 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Thomas Nelson, Inc. Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved.

We dare you to love: Take our 40-day Love Dare Challenge and find tips on how you can love your spouse ... like you really mean it.

Related articles
FIREPROOF: A Movie That Makes a Difference by Mary May Larmoyeux
We Took the Love Dare by Mary Lebeau
Giving Up My Independence by Dave Boehi
Why Did God Create Marriage? by Gary Thomas

Related links
Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage conference
Pre-order FIREPROOF on DVD and The Love Dare

Related resources
Staying Close by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Starting Your Marriage Right by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Sacred Marriage by Gary L. Thomas
"Starting Your Marriage Right" (FamilyLife Today Audio CD series) by Dennis Rainey